A Whole Lot Of Holes

By Dick van Dyk


This week I’m in a losing frame of mind. But relax. I’m going to be writing mostly about teams other than the Sharks. So all you disappointed okes out there who support the boys in black and white and who are having a hard time understanding this particular “soutie” can take both deep breaths and several chill pills.

This year’s Vodacom SupeRugby competition is blowing holes in a lot of things. Firstly, there’s confidence in the ability of the Sharks to actually play rugby the way everyone seems to think they can. It’s gotten so bad for the Durban outfit that they are relying on Meyer Bosman to score tries for them… The same Meyer Bosman I relegated to a bench somewhere outside Kimberley last week.

But wait, I am not about to launch into another Shark attack. Because the most full-of-holes thing in this year’s Vodacom SupeRugby (yes, I’m still interested in seeing exactly what Vodacom has in store for the scribe who mentions the name the most…) is the Southern Kings’ defence.

OK. I know how easy it is to kick a King when he’s down. And I also know that there’s a howling mob who used to be the three okes on the second tier of the main stand at Ellis Park who attended every single Lions home game baying for Oregon Hoskins’ blood. But honestly, letting the Warratahs put 72 points past you at home has to be a new all-time low for South African rugby. And brings us back to square one when considering who should be the fifth wheel, sorry team, in South Africa’s Vodacom SupeRugby line-up.

Before we discuss things further, it has to be said that the hypothesis that the Lions wouldn’t have caved so terribly against the Tahs at home is also full of holes. The Lions are where they are because of their shocking Vodacom SupeRugby performances last year.

Personally, I think we should play Shimlas before we look at letting the Kings or the Lions back into the fray next year, but then my brain is something akin to Swiss cheese at the moment so my thought processes are full of holes too. I think John Plumtree has a voodoo doll of me somewhere with its head full of pins, which is fine because I have a lifesize cardboard cut-out of him with bulletholes where his face used to be.

Andries Strauss Faceplant

Where was I? Oh yes, the Kings. I actually feel sorry for the guys from PE because they have put on a lekker show, and have a following which the Lions fans could do with taking a long, hard look at. And anyway, you can’t really blame them when the Sharks lost to the Highlanders – southern hemisphere rugby’s equivalent of a dream team boy band with individual talent brought in from everywhere else in the belief that they’d automatically be good together. BANG! Sorry, Plum’s cut-out has another hole in it… I’ll leave you to guess where.

The only smile of the weekend was provided by the Stormers in their one-point loss (sue me, Newlands faithful). And the thought that what we appear to need in South African rugby at the moment is a lot of big, fat thumbs so we can stick them in the holes in our teams’ various dykes (and no, I am not being mean to ladies of the lesbian persuasion in that summation).

I am therefore calling for auditions for okes with huge, flabby opposable digits to take over from the okes with little, flaccid appendages who are systematically screwing up our rugby pride. You all know who they are.


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One Response to A Whole Lot Of Holes

  1. @Slipcatch says:

    Hi Dick

    I liked your article/blog – its is very entertaining!!!

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